Melba Adene aka Grandma Mel

Today, I am going to discuss an important person to me, my Grandma Melba. I tried to upload a picture of her, but stupid-a$$ blogger is acting up. Therefore, I'll have to add it at a later time. Now, I was blessed to have two grandmothers. Grandma Canary (married to W.C., and y'all QUIT your damn laughing about her name. She was born in 1913. What the hell is Y'ALL's excuse for namin' your kids crazy names that caint NO ONE, especially my teaching-self, pronounce?) was my "Betty Crocker" grandmother. She baked, was kind, and when she did cuss, she said that it was due to being married to W.C. for so many years. Then, you have Melba Adene aka Grandma Mel. Grandma Mel is a RIOT. She makes Sophia ("Golden Girls") look like a saint. Many of my friends think that I am exaggerating when I tell them stories about her. One friend, in fact, didn't believe me until she was @ my apt., and I put my Grandma on speakerphone. Her simple self was in the corner beating her leg and laughing like a hyena.


Growing up, this was a typical day with my Grandma:

* Y'all want another one of those FUNKY-A$$ hamburgers from McDonalds? They ought to give my a$$ a trophy for the buying the most # of hamburgers in my lifetime. Y'all keep Lysol in business, because these da*n burgers oughta make you sick.
* Coming home from school and learning that my Grandma had been barred from my brother's elementary school for writing the word, Sh*t as her first name in the school's visitor sign-in book. This occurred after someone spit on my brother's coat, and my grandmother went up to the school to SNAP on someone. I slid down the refrigerator door and onto the kitchen flo' when my brother told me that. In fact, I cleaned the floor with my school uniform because I was literally rolling on the floor in hysteria.
*Grandma telling the Mickey D's (Ebonics Translation: MCDONALDS) drive-thru operator,"Listen, you better tell your co-worker that she got one more time to be smart with me. Next time, I will park this car and slap the LARD off her FAT A$$.
* Grandma hiding in the grocery store because she's a grocery store aholic, and she saw my mom coming into the store, and she didn't want to hear a lecture. For instance, one time, Mom found her in the store with ONE banana in her cart. Not two bananas, but one. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Where did my Grandma get all of this from? HER CHILDHOOD. As a kid, she told someone, "Listen, if you don't give me my galoshes back, I will burn your da*n house down with you in it."

Age that conversation occurred between Grandma and the thief: 11. Did she get her galoshes back, you KNOW this.

As an adult, I have learned to value my grandmother's wisdom. Of my family, she's the one that I turn to when I am having "male drama". Best advice (in her rather crass fashion): Listen, if a man don't want you, then you don't want his A$$ either. He ain't doing you no da$n favor being with you."

This year, Grandma Mel has been through 4 open heart surgeries, and she is still here and doing well. God is REAL, folks. She is a living testament.

Grandma helped me a lot today because I had to tell my realtor that I rejected the sellers' counter offer. I just can't afford a $241K house (original offer, $229, but since I am a FHAer, they raised the price to get their 6% back). The house was really nice; however, what was I going to EAT? My entire check would go towards my mortgage, and that can't happen. Grandma said, "Listen, there ain't no use in you crying. God is going to provide you with a house. Now quit that da$n crying. You know that your a$$ is over there by yourself, and you can't afford to get your a$$ sick."



I made it to the dentist. There wasn't a cavity; however, I needed to get a deep cleaning on that particular tooth. $106 later (note: Insurance covered the other half. HELL, I need to marry a dentist), my tooth is feeling a tad bit better.

HUSTLERS.

Word.

Adrienne, quit all of that GRINNING, gal! ;)