GET ON THE BUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That's right folks, I take the BUS. It is my mode of transportation. No, I do not drive. Go ahead and laugh. I'll laugh with you. However, know that I have some bad-ass eyes, and that is why I take the BUS. Now, go ahead and ask Jesus for forgiveness for laughing at my ole butt for not driving. ;) On Friday, my sweet friend, Ginni, took me to the mall so that I could catch my bus. She said, "I'll take you wherever. I said, "Girl, take me up the road where the buses meet." I told her about some of the WHACKED as all get out stuff that I've experienced on buses in NC, IN, and especially in AZ." She was in hysterics, and said, "Cee, you have got to put this on blogger."

Ginni, this is for YOU.

Folks, riding the bus is a TRRRRRRRRRRRRRRIP. Here are some of the events that have occurred to me over the past 10 years:


* A mentally challenged man taking a Paddington Bear with a freaking RAIN COAT and HAT on out of his Jansport bag and saying, "Hi, Big Boy! Did you sleep good last night? I sure did!" I had a copy of David Roediger's The Wages of Whiteness clutched in my hands. I hid my face with it. An elderly woman hit me and said, "Honey, what you tryin' to hide from?" I should have been @ home studying. That's what God was trying to TELL ME.

* My friend, D., bringing the campus bus to a screeching halt after I cut my hair into a bob (mind you, it used to be where your bra snaps in the back, and y'all KNOW for colored folk, that's some HAIR), opened the door, and said, "WHAT IN THE HELL HAVE YOU DONE TO MY HAIR?!?!?!??!!?!?!?

* An acquaintance (black male) getting mad at me on the bus (IN) because I was talking to a white male friend. He said, "I wasn' t going to share you with no white boy on the bus."

* When I informed a driver in IN that I was moving to AZ (she inquired where I had been since she hadn't seen me in nearly 2 weeks), she stopped the bus, turned around, and started crying. Everyone on the bus who had known me for the past 6 year were in shock and practically joined her in crying. Wow, I felt luved.

* In AZ, some brotha's come-on line was, "What you mixed with?" after noticing my hair. I guess only biracial children can be born with some "good hair."

* Some clown got on @ Mill Ave, and said, "WOMAN, you've got some beautiful-ass legs. I know that your man loves them. If you were my woman, I would pour champagne all over them and lick it off. How long are they? 33 inches?

* A man saying, "Girl, you smell so good. It's nice to see a woman in AZ lookin' as good as you. You've made my day. THANK YOU."

* A man getting off the bus saying, "Hey, sexy mama. Can I get your #?" Fool, please. Although I TAKE the bus doesn't mean that I will date a man that TAKES the bus.

* Men sitting in the back of the bus trying to see whose experience at the Florence prison was the worst. I am scared poopless, but when one said, "Look ma'am, I got busted for trying to hustle some weed to feed my kids. When the system fails to rehabilitate us, what kind of job can I get once I get out?" My heart went out to him.

* A woman who refuses to sit on the seats without covering them with newspaper.

* A scuffle breaking out because a white man called a black man a N*GGER, and this scrawny black man thought that he could beat the man down. At that point, the entire bus was about to jump the racist - - - white and black. It was a combination of race and your drama was causing folks to miss their connecting bus.

* Drunks wanting folks to know that they want to kill their wife AND getting mad at you for failing to JOIN in and sing their drunken version of Ike's and Tina's "Proud Mary."

Whew! If I can think of any more stories, I'll send them this way.

Adrienne, GET UP OFF THE FLOOR, WOMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Ginni, does this do the trick?

Sunday Singin' Sensation #4 !: LIONEL RITCHIE

Howdy good PEOPLE!!

Good morning! Let's give God (your leaf, but you know that DEAL) some P-R-A-I-S-E today!!! Did He made a difference in your life last week? If so, (which should be your answer since you are ALIVE and AWAKE to read this message), say, "Thank you, Lord for LIFE." There are some who cannot say that today.

Y'all know what to do - - -go to the Juke Joint and point on a Gospel song. Try a lil' Mary Mary today.

WHEW - it's been a busy weekend. I had lunch with my dear friend, GC. OH, how I am going to miss that woman. She has inspired me to create a blog topic. Hmm, I am contemplating if I will write it today, or tomorrow. If it is written today, it will be a separate entry because it is THAT long. We had lunch at Oreganos. Although I will miss her dearly, I am SO happy that she is moving to CA to be with her fiance. GC deserves this rich opportunity.





























Yesterday, after my exam, I celebrated this baby's first birthday. He's SO sweet and loving. I had a great time. Am I ready for this myself? Hmm. . . , NAW, BOBBY! NAW!!! His grandmother made a large, Big Bird cake, and individual Big Bird cakes for the small children in attendance. That's some LOVE. It took her over FOUR HOURS to decorate the large, Big Bird cake.

Have y'all heard of Costco's Bakery? She's a SAINT. He had so much yellow frosting on him that my friend had to dump him into the tub. Sweet.








This week's Singin' Sensation is LIONEL RITCHIE!! LAWD, I have luved that man since I was a tiny tot. How in the H does Lionel look better now than when he was younger? My GOD, it's like the clock stopped ticking. His teeth are beautiful. Now, if I was to date someone in the AARP age, I would kick it with Lionel. He looks GOOD. But, y'all know that I am not into AARP men, EXCEPT FOR DARNELL WILLIAMS ON "ALL MY CHILDREN" (Jesse)!!!!!!!!!!! I would love to be that man's Angie!

I digress. . . . Lionel has written such wonderful hits. Where do I even begin - - - "Brickhouse" with the Commodores; "Easy Like Sunday Morning;", and the song that SO many babies were conceived to - "Endless Love." Then, he grabbed our hearts with "Hello." Can we remember "Dancing on the Ceiling"?

A lot of folks loss favor with Lionel when he was busted for cheating on his ex, Brenda. Do y'all remember when little bitty Brenda opened up a can of whup ass when she found Lionel with Wife #2, Diane Alexander? I couldn't blame the chick - - - she married him when he had NOTHING. Oprah surely got Lionel 3 years ago on her show about that mess. Bruh Man knew that he was wrong.

But, I still love him.

If for some DANG reason you do not know who Lionel Ritchie is, ask Jesus for forgiveness and play one of his songs from the Juke Joint. In addition, read:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lionel_Richie


Tonight, I am scheduled to see "High School Musical." I'll let y'all know how it is.

Hmm, if you are wondering why this message does not have its usual "uumph," get ready for the next installment. GC, your wish is my command. ;)

Toss my salad, BOYYYYYYYY!!!

HELLO.

Folks, I am on my soapbox today. That's right, today's discussion is regarding the TOSS of SALAD. SHAQ, SET DOWN AND SHADDAHELLUP!!! We know that you don't like Kobe, but did you have to tell the man to toss your salad? Hmm, do you think that he'll allow Kobe to select what type of syrup that he would like to use?

I know, "Girl, you are SIK."

This is unbelievable. Shaq, regardless of your beef with Kobe, you didn't have to "go there." Kobe didn't cause your impending divorce; you and your WIFE did. For starters, karma is a bitch. You knew that Shaunie was married to your BEST FRIEND, who happened to be a MINISTER. Did that stop you from gettin' your groove on with the Reverend Missus? NO. Y'all get married, and you are still hoeing around. Sista girl goes STOOOPID and finds her a Cuban personal trainer and makes him "the kept woman." Fool, if you are going to mess around, do not PAY your man!!!! Is you STOOOPID?!?! That's right, folks. Heffa allegedly bought the man a $650K condo. Deet da deet DAMN. Then, the woman is starting to sell her Gucci bags on ebay - - - LIKE she really needs some $$$?!?!?!

WTF?!?!

Shaunie, repeat after me, "I, Shaunie O'Neal, am a freaking IDIOT." Hell, chicks in the 'hood are even smarter than THAT. Who does she think she is - a character from a Jackie Collins novel?


Whew! I take a day off from blogger, and look @ the mess that I had to come back with.

The Supreme Court said today that you can't give these child rapists the death penalty.

Can we open up a can of whup-ass on Clarence Thomas, please?

Deliver me!

Yesterday, I did some scrapbooking. I needed to play with some scissors, glue dots, adhesives, etc. . . I thank my girl, Angie, for such a WONDERFUL class and for assisting me with my album cover. KUDOS!!! If you don't scrapbook, try it; you'll be HOOKED. My friends refer to me as the "Asian Tourist," because I always have my camera with me.

Whatever. Asian tourists luv visiting Graceland. I haven't made it there (yet). ;)

Today, a kid was by the pool drunkenly informing me how excited he is that he is joining the Army and gets to have a machine gun. Deliver me; he can go to parts of Phoenix and obtain one and come home ALIVE.

Clown.


Off to work some inches off of this booty (cycling class). Y'all have a WONDERFUL evening!

WTF?! : DON IMUS DOES IT AGAIN!!!

This clown strikes YET again. That's right - - - Don Imus doesn't just know how to shut the H up. Heck, he's keepin' Al Sharpton's hair stylist in business. Every time that this always-wearin' the same "I wanna be a cowboy" outfit says something STOOPID, Al is right up front ret to get PAID.

Can I get a WITNESS?!

I'll let y'all read what this fool has done now:

http://sports.aol.com/fanhouse/2008/06/23/don-imus-on-adam-jones-what-color-is-he/?icid=100214839x1204512957x1200206395

Say, man, as Rodney once said, "Can't we all get along?" Wouldn't it be just his LUCK if one of his chil'ren said, "Daddy, guess who's coming to DINNER?!?!??!?!

The man would die. Then again, he might have a George Wallace conversation, and say, "You know, it took Susie bringing Tyrone home to make me realize that I like COLORED people. They are my friends. Tyrone, pass the bowl of greens, please. What's that red stuff that you are pouring all over them? Hot what? Hot sauce? What's that like?"

Adrienne, get up off the FLOOR, woman.

Deliver me. I was going to get on Blogger today and not clown. Then, I checked the news and saw this mess.

I am still house-shopping. Today, I saw something that looked like a church parsonage, circa 1982.

Moving right along. . . how was your Monday? Is your week off to a fantastic start??? I had to take an education exam today. I had a panic attack at the place. I HATE tests. I have a Ph.D. I've had my share of tests, and I have flashbacks from those tests. I scored well, but good GOD, I needed Xanex or something.

What did I settle for? A cold, glass of Beringer, White Zinfandel. That's right, my teeth are okay, I am off the antibiotic, and that elixer so calmed my nerves.

Off to study some more. A mind is a terrible thing to waste. Hell, can I please start wasting mine? All this learning is KILLING ME, and I am NOT dying SOFTLY.

Word.

Sunday Singin' Sensation #3

Good morning, good peeps!

It's another SUNDAY. PTL (Praise the LAWD). For some, you may elect to praise your LEAF, but then again, "Who made the leaf, boys and girls?!. Take your BOOTY back to SUNDAY SCHOOL." ;) Let me stop before I cuss on this magnificent Sunday morning. GO to the Juke Joint and play, "God is Trying to Tell Me Something" from the 1985 film, The Color Purple. God is probably trying to tell you something, and you need to hear that song in order to motivate you to DO what He wants you to DO.

Aight, FYI - Adrienne, I am not copying your idea to celebrate Rick James this week. Girlfriend, this was on my mind since LAST Sunday. ;) I LOVE ME SOME RICK JAMES. I was a 3 year old who wanted to be Rick James' freak without knowing what in the H freak meant. Readers, who wouldn't want to be Rick's freak (BEFORE JAIL) from her "head down to her toenails." Every time this man was on "Soul Train," I was glued to the TV. When he passed away, I cried. My girl, Christina's, peeps through a RIP Rick James BBQ.

Read about my man:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rick_James

If he had lived long enuf, they would have given him his own reality show. Teena Marie woulda hosted it.

Sigh.

I don't know why this SITE is underscoring my words. Another sigh.

Let me tell you what Rick James will do for in HISTORY - - - - setting the record straight at the BET awards. Some HEFFA claimed that she didn't know who Rick James was. WTF? WTF? WTF?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Say WHAT? Oh, H no. Rick wasn't havin' it FOLKS. He got on stage with Teena Marie and CLOWNED her: "I'm Rick James, BIIIITCH." That "BIIIITCH" was heard across the freakin' nation. Pres. Bush heard that proclamation on Pennsylvania Ave. @ the White Crib (House, Ebonics-challenged). Crazy as all GET OUT, Dave Chappelle, has made a fortune off of clownin' my man, Rick.

Rick, RIP.

Many a clowns have made their own You Tube Clips of "I'm Rick James, Bitch." I leave you with one:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Si-zBcXUBxE

Feel free to pass this TRIBUTE on to your friends (click the email link at the end of this post)!

LOVE YA!

PS: Many a folks may speculate where I get my content from, day after day? HEY, it's called LIVIN'. Folks do some STUPID THINGS around me. I just sit back and observe.

LOOK AT ME, THE PIN-UP MODEL . . .

uh, hells no NOT.

Since I talked about this darn suit so much, I thought that I would show and tell.

I'ma buy me some breasts. I am on the phone right now with my mom talking about it. She told me to wait until I have a baby.

Again, has she seen my dating calendar?

My booty is BIG. I hate it.

AZ readers, if y'all know a DECENT man that is SINGLE with no KIDS, pass this blog address along.

WORD.

EAU DU FONK/My Country Tis of THEE?: A GIRLS PACT

Did you actually think that I was going to leave y'all hangin' over the weekend? NOT. Today's blog entry is centered around White Diamonds, aka EAU DU FONK. Why is it that every OLD WOMAN IN AMERICA luvs this mess?!!? It's like the 21st century Chantilly. I wore this scent when it first came OUT - - - Christmas, 1991. Once a fragrance hits CVS, I usually stop wearing it UNLESS it's Marc Jacobs, Sarah Jessica Parker's Covet, and y'all get the drift. FYI - Get Marc Jacobs' latest, Daisy. I swear by it! Sometimes, you can get those scents for dirt cheap there. ANYWAYS. Today, I went to the doctor. I'm cool; it was just a check-up appointment. While there, I had the nicest conversation with an elderly woman. Folks, take the time out and speak with our ELDERS. You will learn so much, especially from women. They went through a LOT, and they are still here. Hell, any woman that lived through years of wearing SANITARY BELTS and girdles should be celebrated. Well, back to the White Diamonds. . . I almost passed out from the scent of this FONK. If y'all are still buying Liz Taylor's White Diamonds for your grandmother, CUT IT OUT. Heck, Liz Taylor probably has moved own from her OWN da*n scent!!!

I bet you that morticians across America are tired of de-FONKING stiffs from this scent. I've got to hand it to my girl, TW back at home, who runs one of the BEST funeral homes in the state. TW and her dad, the late JW could make a stiff look better dead than the person looked ALIVED. Indeed, they are the miracle workers. They look so good, that if the minister said, "RISE UP AND WALK," they would jump up from the casket
and say, "SHOUT HALLELUJIAH!!" Anyway, TW is probably tired of this smell. My GOD, it's sickening. These poor ladies just tend to bathe in the stuff. Can y'all puleeze introduce them to some Ralph Lauren Romance?

Folks, it's time to take a moment for "My Country Tis of THEE?" - - - A Girls Pact. Check this BULLSHIZZLE out:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/ap/20080620/ap_on_re_us/pregnancy_pact

WTF?!?!?! It used to be that girls made a pact to come back from Christmas break with the latest Coach handbag/new designer jeans. Now, to make a pact to get PREGNANT?!??! What is going on with our society, folks? What is making these girls turn to babies in order to feel loved? I am 33 years old, and I tell you, I go back and forth about having a baby (however, wouldn't I need to find someone to "Rock With" first? - - -- GO MICHAEL JACKSON. THAT SONG WILL ALWAYS BE THE JOINT). It's just plain SIK. Can you believe that one of these CHIL'REN had a baby by a 24 year old HOMELESS MAN?!?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!!?!??!?!!?!??!?!!?

Seriously, pray for our lost children. If you even sense that your child is sexually active, put her on the PILL and LINE HER PURSE AND YOUR SON'S BACKPACK, and POCKETS with condoms!!! Swallow your pride and DO IT. I am tired of seeing little girls trying to "hide" their pregnancy. I am tired of seeing grandparents raising their grandbabies. END THE CYCLE.

I've preached the WORD tonight. Can I get a WITNESS?

Amen.

WASH YO HANDS!!!!!!!!!!

Do you wash your hands? YES, I am going there. And yes, this photo is "for reals" (a phrase that my students use that I SO FREAKING LOATHE - -- do you know that some child at NORDSTROMS said the following to me (when I asked her if she liked the tie/hankerchief that I selected for my Dad( - "I like that. For reals." ).


Today, when I was leaving CVS's bathroom (hey,if you've got to go, you just got to GO, and I needed to go, even though it's a funky ole' public bathroom), I saw this on the door. I couldn't help but take my camera out (I don't leave home without one) and take this picture. What is the PROBLEM, people??!?!? Why can't folks manage to wash their hands after they tinkle? I don't get THAT! This is how anal I am about hand washing:

* I kick the toilet nozzle with my foot.
* I wash my hands.
* I use a piece of paper towel to turn off the faucet.
*I use another piece of paper towel to open the do'.
* In the middle of the night, I get up, use the bathroom, flush the toilet, and wash my hands.
* I have been known to carry a small, Bath and Body Works spray in my purse because public women's bathrooms have been known to be FONKY (due to poor ventilation). One time, Mom was in the stall next to me, and she smelled a familiar scent (since she owns about 50 of those sprays), and said, "GIRL, your a** is CRAZY!!!!!!!" That bathroom reeked, and I pulled out my spray. Then again, I spray all the time wherever I am and it's FONKY. For instance, some heffa at the Ahwatukee TarJAY was so FONKY yesterday afternoon that I took the Glade Spray (that was near the counter for sale) and sprayed the area after she left.

YES, I WENT THERE.

Back to the hand-washing, it makes me sick to think how folks do not wash their hands. These are MOTHERS who fail to wash their hands, but run to grab their kids!

While @ CVS, I went to the feminine products section. I fell the hell out laughing when I saw pantiliners for THONGS. When I thought of the mental image of someone putting a tiny-ass liner and lining their thong with it, I cried from laughing. If you are guilty of using thong liners for thongs, GO BUY YOURSELF SOME PANTIES!!!!!!!

Okay, I am through with the underwear sermons for this week. . .

My endodontist appointment went well. My filling was just too high, and he had to drill it down. Grabow Endontics is the place to go, AZ residents. Dr. Grabow's personality was so sweet. I bet you he's married.

Moving right along. This morning, I tried really hard not to cuss. I had to make a business call, and got an incompetent fool as a customer service rep. I haven't had to say the phrase, "Lord, child" since school ended. Before I knew it, today, I said, "Lord, child, please listen." I think that the fool hung up on me. I called back, and said, "I am so glad that child didn't answer my call. He wore my patience this AM, and it's too early to begin the day cussin', maam. Deet-da-deet, damn, maam. " The woman laughed so hard that she started to choke.

I need to be the school teacher for the call center help. I am borrowing this phrase from Mom who said, "Da*n, I need to be the teacher for the fast-food workers." One evening, we rolled up to Popeye's by the house. If you've never had the experience of eating fast food in an urban environment (i.e. the hood), you are in for a treat. This clown had a tired, ole' Jheri Curl and was taking our orders. Hooked On Phonics wouldn't even work for his booty. I told my Dad, and we both said at the same time, "You are going to get us SHOT one of these days."

I've got to leave y'all with TWO WTFisms today:

http://www.parentdish.com/2008/06/18/teens-treat-lands-teachers-in-hospital-kids-in-jail/?icid=100214839x1204400403x1200183640

KIDS ARE CRAZY. PERIOD. Then again, my grandmother would say, "That's what their a**es get for bein' greedy!


And, #2:

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/father-gets-life-for-babys-cocaine-death/20080619151309990002

THIS IS WHY YOU SHOULD WASH YOUR HANDS, ESPECIALLY IF YOUR PROFESSION IS CUTTING COCAINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Y'all get off the flo' and quit all that laughing!!! LOL. ;) To all my readers in blogland,THANK YOU for reading!!! I cannot believe the # of hits that I am getting!!!

I leave y'all with this picture of Phoenix at sunset (for all those who do not live here):

PEACE

Cecelicious

HELLO!

Check out my new bathing suit. Will I look as good as the model? HELL TO THE NAW, folks. Today, I took my bras back to Vicky's. I walked out with this suit. It's sexy folks, but on me, it's just "aight." I need to tighten up. The gold embellishments are tigers with green eyes. Indeed, I have a ghettoFABULOUS booty. My nickname for it, "Cecelicious." My booty has its own freaking ZIP CODE. How in the WORLD can someone my size have all of this booty?!?! I just returned from a cycling class at the local gym. I needed it.

Speaking of body parts, I went to Nordy's today (Nordstroms). I stand corrected - - - I am a 32 D. Woo hoo - - - as IF that is something to truly brag about. I told my Grandma, and she said, "Sh*t, girl, you ain't no da*n D cup. Your titties (a word that I SO hate) aren't that da*n big."

Yes, this is the Mickey D's grandma. Folks, she has been given the OK to drive again. Again, God is LOVE.

Back, to Nordstroms. . . the sweet saleswoman measured me. I purchased some Wacoal bras. Folks, they are AWESOME. If you are looking for a good bra, that's the one. Adrienne, also, recommended a great brand, La Mysterie, but it's for FULL BREAST womenfolks. Needless to say, I do not qualify. The saleswoman told me that they carry up to 44 I at their store. Now, y'all know that I am an inquisitive heffa. I asked to see one. GOOD GOD ALMIGHTY! If David had that as his slingshot, he could kill everyone in Goliath's NATION. Her co-worker said a woman came in there w/32 M breasts. WTF?!?!?!?!? WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?!?!?!??!?!? And no, they weren't implants!! Those girls were au naturelle.

Basically, that's the size of your head attached to your chest. That's what they told me.

She was folding some beautiful Wacoal underwear. I said, "Who is wearing that right now? It's too hot for anything but COTTON." She agreed. Folks, cotton is the fabric of our LIVES in AZ. If you are a female AZ resident, and your booty is wearing something other than cotton right now, you are asking to be the woman on the beach with her mom for the 21st century Massengill commercial AS WELL as Kim Alexis' sidekick on her MONISTAT commercials. A friend informed me that she only wears satin. I said, "Hell, your clothes are doing the Soul Train line- up to the washer machine. Doot-doot-doo-da-doot ("Soul Train theme song)."

Okay, I am off my soapbox.

On to political WTFs - - - What y'all think about the aid that the Midwesterners are receiving for flooding? Uh, Katrina was three years ago. Is it me, or are these people getting more aid than the Katrina folks? Money is one of the main forces (their are others) behind that help. The Midwest equals FOOD folks. The price of corn and everyTHANG else is about to go up.

My Country Tis of Thee. Sweet land of GREED.


FYI - -- Vicky's is being sued for a thong injury. . . As my late grandmother would have said, "That's what her fast-a** gets for trying to look cute."

http://www.foxnews.com/story/0,2933,368206,00.html


Peace.

32 C

Greetings!

Today, I embarked in my twice a year ritual - - - attending Vicky Secret's Semi-Annual Sale. I was in the door by 8:05am. I don't play when it comes to purchasing my bras and chonies on sale. I was, however, LIVID. Although many of the bras and and panties were on sale, OF COURSE, my itty-bitty ass SIZE wasn't on sale - - - at least the bras that were going to do my sorry-ass "girls" some JUSTICE. It breaks my heart at what has happened to them. Fifteen years ago, I lost 60 lbs, and my girls as well. At the time, I was jumping for JUBILEE - - - 36 Ds were killing my back and shoulders. Now, I would settle for a 34 C. If I could afford to buy me some breasts, that would be the *perfect* size for me. Mom said, "Your breasts will return once you have a baby." DELIVER ME. Is she out of touch with my dating calendar???

When the Vicky's chick measured me today - - -NOTE - -- women, go get yourself MEASURED. Quit wearing the wrong-size bras because you're too lazy to get measured, I wanted to CRY. They keep getting smaller. I was just a 34 B not too long ago. It's called WORK. When the pressure is on, I lose weight, and my chest size gets smaller.

I had to purchase REGULARLY-PRICED bras today. That's some MESS. I couldn't even find more than 3 pairs of cotton chonies (on sale) in my size. Can't a girl find a high-cut panty in a size Medium? NOOOOOO. Yes, I said cotton. It's HOT HERE. I am not even trying to look cute. I need to be as absolutely comfortable as possible right now. I've got enuf pretty underwear. I needed some of those 18 hour panties.

I also need a drink, but I am on an antibiotic for my teef.


Moving right along. . . I feel myself starting to get choked up. My lender emailed me to check on me today. Everyone is trying to make a deal. Hell, I am trying to hustle, but folks aren't budging.




My BFF, Michael, will be visiting me in July. HOORAY!!! I haven't seen him since we graduated from UNC-Chapel Hill (GO TARHEELS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) in 1998. I met Michael during my first day of graduate school. It's so hard to believe that we met 12 years ago. Where has the time gone?!?! I haven't seen Michael since 1998. I returned to IN, and he currently is teaching abroad in the Middle East. Michael is cool peeps. There were so many days that I nearly passed out in the Quad due to his jokes. I'll never forget how Michael once said, "Why in the hell are we studying Old English? No black people speak this sh*t!!!" I said, "If they were offering a course on how to parse Ebonics, we would pass with FLYING COLORS!!!!!"

Peace

My Country Tis of Thee? #2: N*gga PULEEZE!!!

Top of the morning to YOU!

I hope that you enjoyed your Father's Day festivities with your dad/husband/brother, etc. . .

My dad was content with his tie and matching hankerchief. Then again, he isn't the hard one to shop for; Mom is. I just have my brother's birthday next month, and then NOTHING until Christmas (which is a monster in itself).

Today's post is in regards to what went down on Saturday. I was eating some chili in Wendy's (even though it was freaking 200 degrees outside), and these rambunctious teens entered the restuarant. Every other word was N*gga, n*gga, n*gga. It took me for a look because for the last 3.5 weeks, I haven't heard the word uttered. It's a common word used amongst my students, and since school has ended, I haven't heard it. I engaged in a conversation with a parent, and I deliberately said how I hadn't heard the word since May. Before I knew it, the kids shut the hell up. It's going to take someone at their JOB (years from now) indirectly calls them a n*gga before they realize the pain associated with that word. I have seen SO much racism since I moved to Phoenix. I am not one to call the race card, because I am used to being the minority in a setting; however, I can spot a racist as quick as I can detect a fake Louis Vuitton bag. I've worked w/some of the most heinous racists on the planet. Surprisingly, they have been primarily women. These are females who are threatened by my level of education and physical appearance. It's as if they've exchanged their Girl Scouts uniform for a KKK hood - - - a hood that they hate to leave in the car as they enter the workplace. They have given me such horrific looks - - -- looks that scream this racial slur, and I've learned to respond back with a look of, "That's what your daddy was screaming last night." Y'all read between the lines on that one.

I know, "GIRL, YOU ARE CRAZY!!!!!"

I thought that the NAACP buried that word. Then again, news come late to Phoenix. Heck, for years, the entire nation was celebrating MLK Day, except for AZ. EVERYONE in AZ should have fought for the celebration of that holiday, especially since we are the Interracial Couple Capital of the Free WORLD!!!

That leads me to topic #2 - - - interracial dating. I have no issues with it. I consider myself an Equal Opportunist. The last two men that showed potential interest in me happen to be Caucasian. One was nice, but just had STICK UP HIS BOOTY (and enjoyed the sensation that the stick caused). With my personality, I was just a tad "too much". Needless to say, I had to "move right along." The other one taught me a valuable lesson - Ladies, you have got to do a background search on the men that you meet. People lie SO dang much. This man had me believing that he simply started a new career, etc. . . Something just didn't "gel" with him. It was as if he were wearing a mask. No one walks away from such a great career at his age. One morning, I finally had some time to explore his website. I performed a Google search on him to see if there was more information that I could find out about his business. That's when I learned some things about him; granted, everyone makes professional mistakes; however, I cannot date a man that has domestic violence issues. PERIOD. My girl, RL, told me months ago about going to the Maricopa County Court Records website. I entered his name, and there were so many dockets on him that it was ridiculous. I couldn't believe that this was the same person.

I did say something to him about the information that I found just on the Yahoo search (not the court records). It was as if it was a polished speech. After that conversation, I can count on one hand the # of time that I spoke to him. I finally cut off communication. He always made an excuse as to why he couldn't socialize with me in a public setting. I still think that he is married, or is uncomfortable being seen with black women. Both are no-nos. I'll never find the answer to this, but something was OFF with that fool. Don't let me forget that he claims to be a devout Christian.

Where am I going with all of this? I saw this clown yesterday @ Barnes and Noble. I said, "You just left church. Do you not speak, or do you speak simply to agitate the hell out of him?" Satan won that battle. You want to talk about someone SHOCKED. The mask came on. He shook my hand like we were fellow bankers. I said, "Hi, X. Happy Father's Day." Then, he proceeds to tell me how he's reading this book about becoming wealthy. I wanted to say, "Uh, you are not about to become Mr. Kiyosaki #2 (Rich Dad, Poor Dad). Give it up. How do you think that the Lord is going to bless you after what I've read on your dockets?" As soon as our conversation ended, he walked around the corner, and the mask fell.

Men are living double lives, ladies. Be CAREFUL. These are the ones to be really cautious about - - - professional men who have great jobs, love Christ, and seem TOO GOOD TO BE TRUE. Usually, they are.

A male friend said, "This is what you get. This is what you sistas get for crossing over and dating these white men. You see how they oppressed our great, great grandmothers, and you all continuously try to date and marry them. What is wrong with you? It makes me sick to think that this man always came up with an excuse not to be seen in public with you. Leave these damn white men ALONE."

Race doesn't have anything to do with it; men can just be DOGS. I've dated white and black men, and in terms of poor mannerisms, I couldn't tell who was who. In short, men are men. White men end up in child support arrears just like black men; black men lie just like white men do.

It makes me sad. People get so caught up in EXOTICISM. They would be better off purchasing a huge poster of Halle Berry and lusting after her.



Shelley and Me @ Ra


The highlight of my day is that I had lunch with my girl, Shelley. She gave me some valuable advice yesterday - - - don't push something that God isn't naturally allowing to happen. She made this reference in terms of my home-searching situation and in regards to the men that I've been dating. She's right.

Daily, I pray that God sends me the man that HE wants me to be with. Mom said that God is still molding him. Heck, I think that God hasn't even started the molding process; the man is still a blob of clay.

Word.

Happy Father's Day!

Happy Father's Day!

This photo was taken of Daddy and me circa 1975. I was about 6 mos or so (based on the fact that my gums look super-swollen). Y'all check out my baby-oiled slicked ponytail to the side. Gotta luv my mom. I am thankful to my dad for a lot. He instilled so many values in me - - -the love of Christ; the need to be active in your church; the need to save some $$$; beautiful clothes (don't even go there about his shirt); and taking pride in yourself. Daddy has taught me patience (to a certain degree).

Most importantly, Daddy has taught me never to feel that you have to depend on a man to get what you want in life. I am so tired of older men hitting on me insinuating what they can buy me. My reply is, "I already have one father, and he has given me more than what you could possibly give me. Therefore, lay that sorry-a$$ come-on line w/some ignorant 30 year old). I don't need anything THAT badly. I've had many jobs, but TRICKIN' AIN'T ON MY RESUME. Keep to steppin, AARP."

If you haven't figured it out yet, I am a rather blunt individual. Hmm, could that be why I am still SINGLE. :(

Fun Facts:

Name: OLC

Age: 65

Hometown: EC (aka - - - the HOOD)

Occupation: Sales Manager @ a jewelry store (uh, will he EVER get the chance to sell my fiance my engagement ring (a 1.5 ct. pear-shaped center diamond surrounded in diamonds in a thick, white gold, wide-band setting??? ) Hmm, Daddy would like to retire in less than a year; I don't have a fiance. The answer is :drumroll: NOPE.)

This job has had its perks. Don't HATE me. ;)

Role in community: Deacon at the same CHURCH that he's been attending since his CONCEPTION

Favorite joint: "I Love the Lord He Heard My Cry"




Thanks, Dad!

It's Sunday, folks! Make sure that you give God/It (Once again, who created It) some PRAISE. Head over to the Juke Joint and listen to Fred Hammond' joint.



It's time for Sunday Singin' Sensation #3:




Where do I even BEGIN with my introduction of Sade??? This chick can BLOW. Do you hear me? BLOW. This woman is the reason why so many 23 year old women are running around with the name, Sade. I first recall Sade circa 1985. "Smooth Operator" hit the airwaves, and everyone was like, "Who the H is that exotic-lookin' sista who is singing that song?" It was none other than SADE. If you've never heard of Sade, you seriously have a PROBLEM, and you need to SET down and read the following link. Granted, Wikipedia is far from a reliable source (the online version of "The National Enquirer"); however, the writer of this blurb do a decent job on my girl:

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sade_Adu

She's the female equivalent to Billy Ocean (talk about a blast from the freakin' PAST).

Go back down Memory (or, for some of you create a memory) by heading to the Juke Joint and play "Smooth Operator."

We've got some thangs to discuss tomorrow. I'll save the 2nd installment of My Country Tis of Thee for the AM.

Happy Sunday!

I Believe I Can. . .

FLY!!!! That's exactly what this CLOWN thought that he was able to do yesterday. FOOL, SET (no typo - -- y'all know that I was partially raised by Southerners) YOURSELF DOWN (in the voice that the Black boy used w/Mario's character in the film, "Freedom Writers". You surely aren't my SUPERMAN. Y'all should have KNOWN that I was going to dedicate a post to Mr. Robert Kelly, a.k.a. R. Kelly, b.k.a. PEDOPHILE, GOLDEN SHOWER KING (if you don't know what this is, I'ma let that be your homework assignment), ALIYAH'S EX HUSBAND, and the list goes on. . .

This clown is back on the streets just searching for his next prey. Although I love his voice, the infamous Chante Moore/Ron Isley video trilogies, etc. . . , this ho is still a CHILD MOLESTER. As Mom once said, "How in the HELL can your a** be on trial, but have the #1 record in the nation (She made this comment a few years back). Answer, "Mom, we are "LIVING IN AMERICA!!!" (May James Brown continue to rest in Pimp Peace).

I don't know if I can purchase anymore of his albums. What KILLS me is how his ex wife claimed in a long-a** article in Essence magazine that it wasn't him! Uh, she needs to get get some LASIK surgery. . . Aside from mind control, what grown-a$$ man is going to want to date a 14 year old LITTLE GIRL. I've had kids ask me, "Uh, if I was born in 1992, and say a man was born in 1978, is that too big of an age difference?" My response, "LEAVE THAT GROWN MAN ALONE BEFORE YOUR MOMMA GOES TO JAIL TRYING TO STOMP THE BOTH OF YOU. IS YOU CRAZY? YOU DO NOT NEED FOR ME TO DO THE MATH BECAUSE YOU ALREADY KNOW THE ANSWER - - - - IF THEY WEREN'T BORN IN THE NINETIES, KEEP ON MOVING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

I am still searching for "my home." I put in an offer for a residence yesterday. It's in my price range, but needs a smidgen of work. Check this out - - - the house that I turned down's seller agent now wants to reconsider. We'll see. . .

Kudos to Tabatha for creating my new banner!! Y'all QUIT LAUGHING at the photo with me and the folks circa 1977. ;)


Happy Saturday!

"Cee, do you shave???"

Good evening!

This may tend to be a post that makes you arch your eyebrow. Hell, most of my posts make you arch your eyebrow. Yet, this one is deep. Therefore, this is your forewarning to stop and move forward; however, if you stopped wearing Underoos a long time ago, and are currently wearing Big Girl Chonies, continue reading. . .

WHEN did it become cool for men to ask if you SHAVE the "Southern Hemisphere?!?!?!?!?" I declare that swimsuit weather makes menfolk lose their MIND. The true DOG comes out. I tend to have more male friends than female friends. I luv it that way. There's no competition whatsoever. My friends and I are 100% platonic. I know too much of their dang bizness to EVER cross that line. In short, most of my male friends are some downright HOs, but I love them anyway. They tend to luv me because I've got some morals and have no qualms telling them how it is.

WELL, the # 1 question that they want to know is: "Cee, do you shave?" WTF?!?! WTF?!!??! WTF?!?!?!!? EXCUSE ME?!?!? I may have my crass moments, but some things are PERSONAL. I had to actually stop what I was doing and ask, "Say WHAT?! What did you just ASK me?" Their reply, "Look, I just asked you a question. There are some women who don't." My reply, "I know that your a$$ woke up half-crazy to even form your lips to ASK me that question. You are a HO. Period. " It's like Nair appointed their behinds the statistic specialist for American women who have an intimate relationship with either Lady Bic or Nair.

Aight, ladies, if a male friend asked you if you spent some 'bonding time' with your Lady Bic, what would be your response?

An inquiring mind wants to KNOW.

Something tells me that this post is gonna get emailed to folks. . .

Melba Adene aka Grandma Mel

Today, I am going to discuss an important person to me, my Grandma Melba. I tried to upload a picture of her, but stupid-a$$ blogger is acting up. Therefore, I'll have to add it at a later time. Now, I was blessed to have two grandmothers. Grandma Canary (married to W.C., and y'all QUIT your damn laughing about her name. She was born in 1913. What the hell is Y'ALL's excuse for namin' your kids crazy names that caint NO ONE, especially my teaching-self, pronounce?) was my "Betty Crocker" grandmother. She baked, was kind, and when she did cuss, she said that it was due to being married to W.C. for so many years. Then, you have Melba Adene aka Grandma Mel. Grandma Mel is a RIOT. She makes Sophia ("Golden Girls") look like a saint. Many of my friends think that I am exaggerating when I tell them stories about her. One friend, in fact, didn't believe me until she was @ my apt., and I put my Grandma on speakerphone. Her simple self was in the corner beating her leg and laughing like a hyena.


Growing up, this was a typical day with my Grandma:

* Y'all want another one of those FUNKY-A$$ hamburgers from McDonalds? They ought to give my a$$ a trophy for the buying the most # of hamburgers in my lifetime. Y'all keep Lysol in business, because these da*n burgers oughta make you sick.
* Coming home from school and learning that my Grandma had been barred from my brother's elementary school for writing the word, Sh*t as her first name in the school's visitor sign-in book. This occurred after someone spit on my brother's coat, and my grandmother went up to the school to SNAP on someone. I slid down the refrigerator door and onto the kitchen flo' when my brother told me that. In fact, I cleaned the floor with my school uniform because I was literally rolling on the floor in hysteria.
*Grandma telling the Mickey D's (Ebonics Translation: MCDONALDS) drive-thru operator,"Listen, you better tell your co-worker that she got one more time to be smart with me. Next time, I will park this car and slap the LARD off her FAT A$$.
* Grandma hiding in the grocery store because she's a grocery store aholic, and she saw my mom coming into the store, and she didn't want to hear a lecture. For instance, one time, Mom found her in the store with ONE banana in her cart. Not two bananas, but one. WTF?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Where did my Grandma get all of this from? HER CHILDHOOD. As a kid, she told someone, "Listen, if you don't give me my galoshes back, I will burn your da*n house down with you in it."

Age that conversation occurred between Grandma and the thief: 11. Did she get her galoshes back, you KNOW this.

As an adult, I have learned to value my grandmother's wisdom. Of my family, she's the one that I turn to when I am having "male drama". Best advice (in her rather crass fashion): Listen, if a man don't want you, then you don't want his A$$ either. He ain't doing you no da$n favor being with you."

This year, Grandma Mel has been through 4 open heart surgeries, and she is still here and doing well. God is REAL, folks. She is a living testament.

Grandma helped me a lot today because I had to tell my realtor that I rejected the sellers' counter offer. I just can't afford a $241K house (original offer, $229, but since I am a FHAer, they raised the price to get their 6% back). The house was really nice; however, what was I going to EAT? My entire check would go towards my mortgage, and that can't happen. Grandma said, "Listen, there ain't no use in you crying. God is going to provide you with a house. Now quit that da$n crying. You know that your a$$ is over there by yourself, and you can't afford to get your a$$ sick."



I made it to the dentist. There wasn't a cavity; however, I needed to get a deep cleaning on that particular tooth. $106 later (note: Insurance covered the other half. HELL, I need to marry a dentist), my tooth is feeling a tad bit better.

HUSTLERS.

Word.

Adrienne, quit all of that GRINNING, gal! ;)

I'd rather see my gynecologist. . .

than go to the DENTIST. Mind you, I HATE going to the gyno with all my HEART; however, I am SIK of dental work. I have nice TEEF, and I have spent a chunk of my life with dental dams, drills, etc. . . in my mouth. Yet, I will be the first to say that the sound of a drill sets me off. I'll take 10 shot of novocaine over the sound of that shrill. I have spent so much at time the dentist over this one tooth. Hell, when I open my wallet, I see Dr. F. and his crew waving at me and holding MY cash. They wave at me as if they are telling me to "Come back to JAMAICA." Y'all remember those commercials? Well, that Jamaica I don't want to "go back to". Unfortunately, tomorrow AM, I have to go get this back toof checked out. Bills - - - can you pay my bills? Can you pay my telephone bill? FORGET a telelphone bill, Beyonce. I want my DENTAL BILLS paid. Can you recommend someone to do that for me, please?!?! I would date a dentist in a heartbeat.

The house situation - - - same ole' TI'ED (i.e. tired - - - 1912 Grandfather, okay) drama. I'll spare y'all that for one day. I did get my Dad's Father's Day gift. Bro., get on it. It makes no sense to FED EX something when you can send it regular mail (since you live in the same STATE). I went to Nordstrom's, which I consider to be the 1st cousin to Needless Markup (i.e. Neiman Marcus). Their sale starts on Friday; you know who will be taking her receipt back for a price adjustment.

To the G, to the H, to the E -Double T -O.

And proud of IT.

Of course, I've got to leave y'all with something crazy:

http://www.newsweek.com/id/140908?GT1=43002

Like a Reformed Christian Ho could save this country right now.

Prepare for the RAPTURE. All ABOARD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

AMEN.

My Country Tis of Thee???: Gov'ment CHEESE, please

Folks:

Tonight's post is titled, "My Country Tis of Thee?" This is going to be a new topic on my blog. Yes, y'all know that you are going to be in for a HOOT. So sit back and get ready. Today, I saw the following link on Yahoo:

http://news.yahoo.com/s/nm/20080609/us_nm/food_usa_stamps_dc

HOW many more days does our GREAT SHEPHERD have left in office?!?!? If someone would give me an EBT card, TRUST ME, I would most certainly use it. As my Grandfather would say (Yes, the one born in 1912), "Thangs are HIGH (expensive)." He "ain't ever lie" (another W.C.ism - - - That was his nickname; mind you W.C. is pronounced "Dubba Cee"). Now y'all just QUIT your dang laughing. I have already told you about how my people can mess up a NAME.

Obama, our future Moses, please come lead your people to "The Promised Land." Deliver us from WACO, JR.

Word.

NOTE: Folks are VISITIN' this blog. Look @ my stats. WOO HOO! For all of these 400 and some odd folk, drop me a note, and "come on back now, hear" ;)

Sunday Singin' Sensation #2 !

Happy Sunday good PEOPLES!!!

Once again, make sure that you do what Jim and Tammy Faye PROFESSED to do - - - Praise The Lord (get your eyeliner and mascara out, ladies!). Seriously, give my God (or who/whatever) you worship today some PRAISE. If it's a leaf, well I guess praise IT (then again, who made the leaf? - WTF?!). Therefore, just go ahead and praise HIM). Stop on over to the Juke Joint and play the Clark Sister's "Praise Him".

It's time for Sunday Singin' Sensation . . . This week, I chose to feature the "Ivory Queen of Soul," TEENA MARIE!!!! This chick is just Black. She may appear to be Caucasian, but she is more black than most African American women that I know. I've luved this chick since "Ooh La La" and "Lovergirl". She couldn't help but be great, because every singer that RICK JAMES (I'm Rick James, BIIIIIIIIITCH - - - - THE BET Awards moment that will go down in HISTORY) TOUCHED was destined for gold. If you've never heard of Teena, go to the Juke Joint and play "Lovergirl". The woman is BAD. And, if you do not know who Rick James is, it's a good thing that today is SUNDAY. I'll save cussin' your booty out for MONDAY.

It was a relatively quiet weekend. An hour ago, I finally sat down and saw if there were any homes in my price range. I added another one to the list that I will tomorrow AM. If it's bank-owned, I am not wasting my time. Y'all keep me in your prayers/thoughts ab out that.

HEY, here's a WTF moment:

http://www.chron.com/disp/story.mpl/business/5824064.html

How in the WORLD did he lose his crib and bank?!?!??! See, he should have stuck with Wife #1. Hmm, maybe one of those folks that he gave those checks to will establish a "Save Ed's Crib" account and bail him out.

Here's a shout out to my girl, Kira, and her hubby, Mark, for the birth of their second baby boy, Beck Holden (8lbs, 4 0z). Ooh, the thought of me having to push a baby that size out of my "Southern Hemisphere" makes my uterus shudder.








On that note, PEACE.

BEBE'S KIDS

CHALLO!!!!

Ebonics translation: HELLO (courtesy of JJ from "Good Times")


It be hot here in the AZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When you can cut your shorts, your chonies, and your bra off with an EXACTO knife, you know it's "natchly" hot outside (Grandfather born in 1912's word - - -quit the laughing). ;) I go through shower gel and Tide like it's water. I should seek a job with Proctor and Gamble. I am keeping those folks RICH.

Does this photo bring back any memories? Robin Harris - - - may your soul continue to rest in PEACE. I live below a BEBE'S Kid. Now, in case you never saw the film, let me give you the breakdown - - -Robin Harris' character dates a woman, whom he later learns has some bad-a$ chil'ren. The woman's name is Bebe. Now, the Louisianians pronounce it the correct way. Leave it to my people, and we mess it up (see previous post RE: my daddy). We pronounce it Bay Bay; when we call someone baby, we just say, ba'e.

Following along?

Bebe is usually the name given to the youngest girl child. After this film, any woman with some bad chil'ren was referred to as Bebe. WELL, this little girl that lives upstairs is something else. I am a non-parent, and I cannot stand that little girl. Every night, there's a screaming match between the mom and daughter.

The child BEST be glad that I am not her parent. It's out of control.

Damn Bebe kid. Y'all know that I luv children; however, she's a Bebe kid, and her mom, is simply:

BEBE

"Reach out and touch somebody's [child]. Make this a better place, if you CAN."

Y'all join hands and sing along with me, puleeze!!!


Speaking of children, on a serious note, please keep this family in your prayers:


http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/jun/04/childs_death_mystifies_mother43305/

Pools are dangerous, folks. Watch your children.

Gotta luv "EDUCAITON":

http://news.aol.com/story/_a/diplomas-proof-of-high-school-educaiton/20080606104509990001?icid=100214839x1203441824x1200141737


AMEN.

THE RED DOT

Greetings!


I survived yet another day of house hunting. It was an emotional one, and I blame it on the DOT. That's right - "Large Marge" has my body/hormones in an uproar. I saw some more TORE UP cribs, but they weren't funky. I did cry; I am sick of people feeling as if I have to "settle" because these are the homes in my price range. HEAR YE! HEAR YE! I ain't about to give no bank no $210K for a s**tbox of a house that is to'e up from the flo' up.

Ebonics translation for those whose Ebonics skills are non-existent: The owner of this blog will never pay $210K for a home that is inadequate for her needs even if it means spending an additional few months in her tiny apartment.

Got THAT?

Prior to exiting my realtor's car, I shed a few tears. I am so SIK of this entire house buying experience. I am tired and stressed. To top it off, my BFF, the red dot, chose today to pay me a visit, and my stomach looks as if I am four mos pregnant. Y'all know what I mean by the "red dot". If I did not want at least one baby, I would tie my tubes and jump on the table for the "Stop the Flow" procedure. Enough is enough. Damn EVE, that triflin' heffa. The Red Dot is one BFF that I would luv to say, "Just leave me alone" (as our boy, Mike once said).

For my fellow teachers in the State of AZ, this SEI endorsement is killing me. Would someone please write an SEI Book for Dummies?!??!??

WTF?!?!??!!?!?!??!?!?!

And on that note, I need to end this message and try and decipher Structured Immersion

Scheduling an appointment for some DRAWS

Greetings!

I know that the title probably made you go, "Hmm, WTF?!?!!?!?" Yes, this is most definitely going underneath the WTF?!?!?ism section of my blog. Do you watch the Sanders' reality show? If not, DO SO. I have never been a fan of reality TV (too much "The Real World" in college - - - -when Tammy wired her mouth, I was done). I do, however, enjoy Pilar, Deion, Deion, Jr., Deiondra, Shilo, Shedeur, and Shelomi on Tuesday evenings. WELL, yesterday, I watched the episode where Pilar informed Deion that they needed to schedule some "bonding" time. He replied, You mean to tell me that I need to schedule an appointment to get some DRAWS"?!?!

Once again, if your Ebonics is subpar, here's a translation, "Dear, are you insinuating that I need to schedule an appointment to have sex with you?" In the black community, DRAWS translates to panties, chonies, thongs, bloomers, G-strings, etc. . . GOT THAT?!?! The KICKER was that their son got into a fight, and Deion had to cancel their appointment. At bedtime, they tried again, but their younger children wanted to sleep with them. They leave the kids in the bed and head to Shelomi's room to get some midnight lovin'. The fools FORGET that there's a baby monitor in the room. The kids watch their parents as they are about to start 'doin' the do. That's when Pilar said, "OMG, the baby monitor!!!!!" Shelomi's eyes are BUGGED out. She said, "That's it. Mommy and Daddy can't go in my room no more."

Get off the FLO, folks.

Okay, I have recovered from the House of Funkiness. I am embarking on another "tour" tomorrow AM. Today, I had coffee and mimosas with a group of women residing in "The Tuke" (i.e. Ahwatukee). They are genuinely some nice folk. That's really hard to find here in Ahwatukee. Everyone has to start a conversation discussing how much $$$ they have and where their kids attend school. DELIVER ME. Unless you are going to break me off some cheddar, zip the lips, please.

This afternoon, I tutored a student with her writing. I know, "How many jobs do you have"? Hey, Katt Williams is my MENTOR. I live by his motto, "I keep on HUSTLIN, HUSTLIN, HUSTLIN'. Acquiring nice things = Cash=Working=Getting Paid. Seriously, I am a firm believer that if you give God what is HIS (i.e. tithing), He will continue to "pour the blessings" If you don't, He will make SURE that He gets His (i.e. your car needs to go into the shop; your baby is sick; your A/C unit breaks down). YOU GET THE PIC?

AMEN. HALLELUYER.


Today, I was in my "glory". The young woman was so receptive to my instruction. I was delirious with excitement. Heck, I was like Miss Sophia from "The Color Purple," "There is a GOD."


Only bad mark in the day - - - one of my former clowns had the freaking audacity to EMAIL me after nearly 3 mos. DELIVER ME FROM THE IGNORANT, GRACIOUS FATHER.

Now, if y'all think that my post is lacking its luster, think again. I saved the best for LAST. Everyone has at least one funny as all GET OUT relative. I am "blessed" to have an entire family filled with COLORFUL folks. Today, I am leaving you with a homework assignment. You need to treat this like one of those Sudoko puzzles that you cuss out and throw across the room before completing it. Today's challenge comes from my girl, Christina. This is an actual phone conversation that she had with her Jamaican great aunt. Ready, Get set, GO:

Christina answering the telephone: Hello.

Her 88 year old Jamaican great aunt calling: Hey naw! Ya uncle Nigel can gwan to hell, we got us one! That Usian Bolt! Hem don wan dem races for us! Naw, hem real Ja man! Your uncle Nigel fake assss! Hem leaving Jamaica the way hem did, stealing me dahm jerk recipe! Hope 'em chicken neva turrrn out! Call ya uncle Nigel naw and tell 'em his chicken nasty and den get ya flag me sent cha fore ya birthday and gwan ya porch and wave et proud for long time! Meeeee love ya someting awful! Ok naw, goodbye!

And, for all of those that are cussing me out, YOUR MOMMA AND YOUR DADDY. ;)

Now, if you have finished cussing me out, get up, and make an "appointment" with your significant other. ;)


Adrienne, GET UP. As Harpo said, "It's bad luck for a woman to be doin' all that laughin'.

PEACE.

PEOPLE STANK

Hola!

Although I *allegedly* have a firm command of the English language (according to the letters behind my last name, which at times I have given the finger to, especially when my folks, who have NO letters behind their name (particularly my jewelry-selling Daddy) make more $$$ than I do with their h.s. diplomas), when the situation calls for slang, I am happy to oblige.

PEOPLE STANK AND THEY KEEP SOME STANKY CRIBS.

Got that? In case your Ebonics is subpar, that translates to: There are a significant number of individuals who probably fail to wash their bodies adequately. These same prototypes are conditioned to being filthy, and are more prone to keep a dirty residence (and, you wonder why my students cussed me out on a daily basis RE: my vocabulary?).

Today, my realtor took me to see two homes in AHWATUKEE (where I currently reside). Praytell how you can have a $300K home (the amt. that you paid for the darn thing) and live in filth? At one time, the owners were able to meet their mortgage payment. Now, the bank has taken over the residence. Folks, that house STANKED. The carpets and bathrooms - - - where do I even begin? The yard is a fire hazard. Their grass is HAY. Hell, a horse would even reject that grass. Now, if I could take out the full amt. for my loan, I could turn that house into a masterpiece. However, I would end up spending a big chunk of that $$$ just de-funking that place. Hell, I had to keep sniffing inside my shirt (inhaling my favorite perfume, Bvlgari) just to keep from passing out. I've seen individuals living GHETTOFABU lives living cleaner than that. What is WRONG with people? This is the one that I don't get for the life of me - - - if you grew up in a clean house, what causes you to stop being clean once you get your own crib? Even if you had to clean up as a kid and resented it, does that mean as an adult you reject cleanliness?!?!?!

Deliver me.

I'm not even *going there* with the 2nd home. Needless to say, I was afraid to go upstairs; I wouldn't have returned. *Something* would have made me its dinner. When I returned to my complex, I went to the leasing office. Some guest was FUNKING up the place. He needed to be hosed down outside. LORD.


This has prompted me to now go and clean up my tidy place.

Miz A., get up off the FLO. ;)

A Deet Da Deet D**N moment

Happy Monday! It's another hot week in Phoenix, AZ. Yesterday, after church, I hung out @ Barnes and Noble. I needed to use up someone else's air conditioning and give mine somewhat of a break. If you haven't been to the Ahwatukee B& N on a Friday nite, you are in for a royal treat. Now, they have a Robocop posted up in this middle-class bookstore to prevent the upper-class residents' Bebe's Kids from tearing the bookstore up. It's the funniest thing!!!!!

This is a picture of my bro. Now, if y'all think that I am funny, you should meet him. This boy is just plain SIK. Yesterday, he reminded me of how our grandmother's hairstylist faked being mentally disabled and wheelchair bound in order to get another discounted ticket @ Disney World. Mind you, she was in her FORTIES doing some crazy mess like that. I laughed so hard that I started drooling. That's up there with my former student from UNC-Chapel Hill stealing a wheelchair from Wally World for Halloween. He dressed up as Christopher Reeve - - - post accident, with a straw as his trachea tube (sp?) clad in a plaid shirt w/a Superman shirt underneath.

I know some SIK folks.


Fun facts about my BRO:

Name: RJC

Born: 7-14-81

Hometown: E.C., IN (i.e. Booty, Da hood, Wasteland, Vortex, Venus Fly Trap, the place where no one clicks their shoes and says, "There's No Place Like Home")

Occupation: Ordained minister (I know - - - hug his sister, the HEATHEN), doctoral student

Residence: Bloomington, IN, but on his way to Tallahassee, FL

I luv my bro. He thinks that I am absolutely crazy. In fact, when I informed him that I had a blog, he stated that he wasn't surprised since most crazy folk, like myself, have one. I wanted to say, "YOUR MAMMY," but realized that I would be saying that about our mom.

Now, back to my *favorite* subject - - - searching for a home. Well, my realtor called and informed me that the place that I put a bid on already has a contract. The seller's agent had the gall to tell him, "Uh, by the way, your bid is too low." FOOL. This is a buyer's market. I am so sick of these Ahwatukee realtors that I do not know what to do. All of them claim to have Jesus in their life. Yesterday was 1st Sunday (Holy Communion). As they ate/drank their sacrament, did they choke?!?!?!?! I was so frustrated by this drama that I got off the phone and headed to church. I needed some peace and some SUNSHINE.

I am stuck @ the house waiting for the mailman to bring my certified letter (which I missed by 5 minutes on Friday). I do not know if it's my earnest money, or some whacked out letter from the crazy Reverend Realtor. I am prepared for both. Jesus, please deliver me from the TOUCHED in the head.

In reference to the title of today's post, Deet Da Deet is a phrase that my students use when they feel as if someone has committed a "retarded" (a word that I hate) act. Although I admonish them for their slang, I found myself using this phrase, and on one occasion actually said "Deet Da Deet D**n" when one of my students made some whacked out comment in class. My students were in hysterics because they weren't expecting me to say that phrase, and I managed to say it at the "right time". WELL, Tatum O'Neal's arrest for CRACK is a "Deet Da Deet D**n" moment. The child is FORTY-FOUR years old. When is she finally going to realize that CRACK IS WHACK?!?!?!? She doesn't even have a BOBBY to put the blame on!

Miz Adrienne, get off the floor and get yourself a glass of water. ;)

Sunday Singin' Sensation #1 !

Happy Sunday! I hope that y'all remember to give God some PRAISE today. If God isn't the center of your life/the being that you worship, then thank the rock, Earth, bells, i.e. IT that has brought the sunshine into your life TODAY. Heck, if you aren't religious, STILL go to my playlist and play "You've Got the Sunshine" by The Clark Sisters. It is still my #1 Gospel JOINT. I remember when the song was released in 1983; it was a huge hit. In fact, "You've Got" was so big that it crossed over to secular music stations. That's right - - - one minute we were hearing "Please Don't Forget Me Not" (Patrice Rushon) and the next, we were jamming to The Clark Sisters.

My girl, Adrienne, has "Throw Back Fridays" on her blog. I'm going to toy with her idea and call my tribute to a song/singer "Sunday Singin' Sensation". I thought that it would be appropriate to begin with my #1 R&B icon, Luther Vandross. Where do I begin with Luther? The man could SANG. I don't care if you are white, black, Asian, Hispanic, etc. . . , you have either HEARD of Luther and/or got your groove on with some Luther Vandross songs. If you haven't to either one, stop what you're doing, go to my playlist, and introduce yourself and your man/woman to LUTHER. This brotha' should still be with us. I liked Luther fat and skinny. Heck, I didn't care that the man was probably talking about another man as he sang, "Any Love"; "Knock Me Off of My Feet". The man could SANG, and that was all that was important. Any child born after 1980 was probably conceived while a Luther Vandross song was playing in the background as their parents were getting busy. Luther's fan base was universal; all races and ethnic groups embraced him. And, if you are holy-roly, and only listen to non-secular music, as my boy Steve Harvey said, quit your lyin'. Even T.D. Jakes' folks listen to Luther while tryin' to create another lil' Christian.

Get your booty up off the floor and continue to read: ;)


Luther was like Oprah. If y'all know anything about black folks, you know that they can MESS UP a name (especially, my no-can hearin' Daddy) and a disease (i.e. "You know that Magic Johnson got THAT AIDS). My name (which y'all see that I deliberately avoid using on this site) has been messed up so many times that I have given up trying to correct people. Luther was commonly referred to as LOOFAH (like the wash sponge). My people mean well, but WOW. Luther left us to be the Lord's Director of Music on July 1, 2005 (I know, "Girl, you are a MESS".). Pay tribute to Loofah today and play one of his songs to the right.

Yesterday, I met my new realtor. He's a sweet man. First, we had breakfast @ IHOP. Then, we went to the same complex where I cancelled my offer. I viewed two 3 BDR units and placed my bid. Please continue to keep me in your prayers/thoughts about this matter.

Yesterday, my brother sent me WTFism #10. He said to place it onto my blog. I am glad to see that he is reading my blog. I asked him, "Are you reading my blog"? He said, "Girl, you are crazy". No, what's crazy is the information under WTFism #10. When are folks gonna realize that you CAIN'T mess with a black woman and her HAIR?!?!?!?!?!?!!

Don't forget - - - play "You've Got the Sunshine". In fact, stroll back down memory lane and leave my playlist up. Some of the links may not work; kill me. What do you expect from something that is F-R-E-E?!?!?!?!?!?

Have a FANTASTIC day!